Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
