checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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