I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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