maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize