I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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