Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is it because I queefed?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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