She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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