got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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