so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Vodka?
Forever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
