Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
