Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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