my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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