omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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