i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
