Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
