watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
