i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
