you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize