im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
