wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
