thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
