His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
