i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
