rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
