I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
