Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
