A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
