Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
