you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
