im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
