I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
