My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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