every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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