im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
