I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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