I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Terrible idea I love it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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