i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
