listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
