He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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