I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
