My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
