my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
