ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
