Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
