with your own penis?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
