then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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