Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
