cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
