Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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