Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
COCAINE IS GR8
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
