Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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