my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
