Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
