Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
