somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
