so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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