just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
