I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
