My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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